Gold Digger
by eBayaNgel2000
Summary: Mr. Mackey quits his job at South Park Elementary and has a new girlfriend. They all think she's going to marry for Mr. Mackey's money and Cartman's the only one that can break them up. Rated T for sexual puns, language, possible violence and crude humor
1. Mr Mackey's New Girlfriend

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the South Park characters except Jenny and D.J. Sucyoubus

Chapter One: The New Kid and Counselor

"We have a new student, Darla Jean Sucyoubus," said Mr. Garrison. "But call her DJ."

Then Cartman and Kyle belted out in snickers at D.J.'s last name as Stan and Kenny joined in.

"Knock it off, boys," said Mr. Garrison. "Sorry DJ. She is an exchange student from…"

"More like D.J. Sucyourbals," whispered Cartman and everyone in class belted out in belly laughs.

"Stanley! Eric! Kenny! Kyle!" said Mr. Garrison. "Straight to counseling!"

Then they angrily walked out.

"I hate Mr. Garrison," said Kenny.

"Me too," said Kyle.

"Hello boys," said some woman who wasn't Principal Victoria. "I am Mrs. Collins, your new counselor, taking Mr. Mackey's place because he quit for unmentioned reasons. What are you in for?"

"Poop," said Kyle then the rest of the boys laughed.

"Excuse me?"

"Poop," said Kenny.

"Goddammit, what are you in for?!?" said Mrs. Collins. "Mr. Garrison tells me you were making fun of a student for their last name."

"No we weren't," said Cartman and Stan.

"Then why'd he send you in?"

"Screw you, Mrs. Collins, we're going home," said Kenny as he and the boys left for home.

"Let's go over to Mr. Mackey's," said Stan.

"OK," said Cartman as he rang the doorbell to Mr. Mackey's.

"Hello boys," said Mr. Mackey. "What can I do for you today?"

"Where were you? We have a bitchy new school counselor named Mrs. Collins," replied Cartman.

"Eric, don't discriminate against women, mm'kay?" said Mr. Mackey.

"We like you better," said Stan.

"Hello children," said a blonde lady. "You must be the kids that Mr. Mackey was telling me about. I'm Jenny Sucyoubus. I'll sing for you if you want."

"That won't be necessary thank you very much," said Kyle.

"There she was just a walkin' down the street…" began Jenny.

"Singin' do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do," sang Mr. Mackey.

Then Kenny tightened his parka hood and then the boys left with angry looks on their faces.

"Something about Jenny isn't right," said Cartman. "Her last name is a pun on 'succubus' and she looks like a whore."

"We need to dig up some dirt on her," said Kyle.

"But how?" said Stan.

So how will they dig up the dirt on her…. Is she a gold digger, a whore or a succubus like the late Chef's ex-fiancee?


	2. The Dirt On Jenny

Chapter Two: The REAL Dirt on Jenny Sucyoubus

"According to her marriage life, she has had 10 husbands and got a total of$ 55,654,221,987,321 from all of them," said Kyle.

"That's a shitload of money," said Kenny.

"She can't be a succubus," said Cartman.

"True. Or she could be a…" said Stan. "Kenny, what's a whore?"

"A whore is one of those women that does you know what with men for money," said Kenny.

"Oh yeah," said Kyle.

"It said she never had kids," said Stan.

"It said that she did tax fraud and had to do community service for 1 year because she manipulated them so she wouldn't be a convict or on death row," said Cartman.

"Enough with her love and almost-convict life," said Kenny. "Don't we have any other dirt on her?"

"It says she's only 17 and lied to Mr. Mackey that she was 21 years old," said Kyle. "So she could be…"

"A gold digger!" said Cartman.

"Yes," said Stan. "Now what is a gold digger, Kenny?"

"I don't know. This is so goddamn confusing enough."

"Cartman?"

"A gold digger is a woman or man who marries only for a husband or wife's money," read Cartman.

"Mr. Mackey's pretty rich," said Kyle.

"We have to tell him!" said Stan. "But what if she kills Kenny?"

"We'll say 'you bitchy bastard!' if she does," said Kyle.

"Hello boys," said Mr. Mackey, popping up behind them.

"Mr. Mackey," said Cartman. "We have something you should know about Jenny."

"That I'm very beautiful?" said Jenny, popping out a few minutes later.

"Mr. Mackey! She's a gold digger!" said Kyle.

"How dare you say that about Jenny!" said Mr. Mackey. "Get out! Now!"

"Stupid Jenny," said Cartman, beginning to sob. "He's the only other friend we've all had since Chef died."

"We have to come up with a plan," said Kenny, attempting to comfort Cartman.

So… is this going to involve Cartman or will it involve killing Jenny?


	3. The Plan

Chapter Three: The Plan

"How about pretending to kill Kenny and blame it on Jenny?" said Cartman.

"Uh…"

"That's a good idea, but no one would believe us," said Stan.

"Look we need to come up with a plan to stop the wedding. We only have 3 days," said Kyle. "Now, Mr. Mackey may not be our closest friend, but I'm worried that he's marrying the wrong girl."

"Hmm… what if I dressed up like a woman?" said Cartman.

"Hey, that's a good idea," said Kyle. "But we'll need lots of fake things, girls' clothes, a new hairstyle and heavy makeup."

"We can take some clothes from Shelley or your mom," said Kenny.

"Not my mom."

"Shelley?"

"OK."

Then, they snuck in Stan's house and decided that to get into Shelley's room, they had to create a distraction.

"Hey Shelley," said Kyle fake-slapping Stan. "I'm beating up Stan and you can't stop me."

"That's my job!" said Shelley running down stairs as Kyle gives a thumbs up to Cartman and Kenny.

Then Kenny found some super dark eyeshadow and loads of makeup and put it on Cartman.

"Now we just need to style your hair," said Kenny as he was extending Cartman's hair to make it look like a girl.

"You look like an absolute girl. Now some fake stuff."

Ten minutes later, Cartman looked a real girl.

"Oh no, Shelley's coming! Hide!" said Kenny as they both climbed out of her window.

"Cartman! Let's see the new you!" said Stan.

Then Cartman, walking next to Kenny came down, quickly yet ladylike.

"We need a name for you," said Kyle. "Erica OK?"

"Ok," said Cartman in falsetto.

"Nice job on the falsetto," said Stan.

"Now to crash that wedding," said Shelley.

"Remember to act like a total whore," said Kyle.

So… will the plan go as planned or is it going to be screwed up?


	4. The Wedding

Chapter Four: The Wedding

"OK, Cartman and Stan, now," whispered Kyle as Cartman and Stan went into the chapel.

"Someone called for two strippers?" said Cartman and Stan as they appeared in super tight shorts and half shirts.

"You hired a stripper?" said a bridesmaid which looked like Powder. "Pervert!"

Then, while Cartman was distracting the guests, Kyle and Kenny decided to shred Jenny's wedding clothes.

"Dunk these shoes in the toilet, full of blood, glue, puke and crap," said Kenny. Then Kyle made the shoes look massacred and crapped on.

"Cut up the dress to make it look like she has no class and put some glue on it," said Kyle as Kenny cut up the dress in the back so her butt would show.

"Shred her panties!" said Kenny.

"She's coming! Hide in the closet!" Quickly, they both hid in her wardrobe staying as quiet as possible.

"La la la la," sang Jenny.

Then she went into the chapel as Cartman and Stan acted like nothing happened, but they decided to take their places during the vows.

"Nice dress!" said Liane Cartman and Sharon Marsh sarcastically as they giggled. "Trailer trash!"

"Ew! She has puke on her! Sicko!" said Wendy Testaburger. "She has no panties on! You're such a skank!"

"Do you—"

Then Cartman and Stan took their places, played some suggestive music and danced.

"You hired strippers?!?!?!?!!?" said Jenny.

"I did not," said Mr. Mackey.

"Mr. Mackey, we're trying to tell you that she's a gold digger!" said Kyle.

"Oh fine!" said Jenny. "I am! Are you happy now?!?!?"

"I'm not going to marry you!" said Mr. Mackey walking away from Jenny.

Then Cartman and Stan removed their makeup and hairstyles and told Mr. Mackey everything.

"Thank you Eric and Stanley for telling me not to marry this gold digger, mm'kay?" said Mr. Mackey. "I think I'll come back to South Park Elementary!"

Then everything was back to normal, Jenny was arrested and Mr. Mackey got to adopt her daughter and Stan fell in love with her.


End file.
